notes to self
Bode Miller’s daughter and neuropsychology
My daughter and Annie and several friends from college came to visit last weekend, to “eat good food, sleep and watch the Olympics”. We were all sprawled around the television, full, when Bode Miller won his silver medal for the downhill. He was surrounded by reporters immediately after this victory, one of whom noted that it was his daughter Dacey’s birthday. She asked Bode if he had been inspired by Dacey during his race. I didn’t pay attention to Bode’s response, because I was busy staring speechlessly at Annie, who turned from Bode to ask me, ” Are parents really affected by their children’s moods?”
I can hear you laughing out there in cyberland.
I assured Annie, as well as her friends (who had all tuned in, possibly drawn by the fervor in my voice), that parents were indeed affected by their children’s moods. “Haven’t you ever heard the expression, “You are only as happy as your most miserable child?” I asked. Needless to say, no one was familiar with it. Including my husband. ( He says he is far too preoccupied by my moods. “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”) Interesting.
I know, I know, I know.. Annie is a teenager. She is not supposed to wonder how her moods and actions might affect me. She is completely absorbed by the day to day excitement of her first year in college. There’s not a lot of room in her imagination to focus on what I might be thinking. And that’s how it should be. Honestly.
In fact, as Annie herself recently mentioned (Note to self: intro psychology class worth every penny), adolescents brains’ go through extraordinary changes during this time. I just received an email on this subject from Wil Blechman, a rheumatologist who became so fascinated by the human brain that he retired early to study brain development in the first five years of life. I asked him for information about adolescent brain development for Annie, because he has a wonderfully clear and concise way of translating the findings from neuropsychology, which generally speaking, are neither. He sent me an article by Jay Giedd, as well as an Allstate ad, asking; “Why do most 16-year-olds drive like they’re missing a part of their brain?’ The answer, of course? Because they are.
In adolescence, the balance between the limbic system, which is the seat of emotion, and the frontal lobe networks, which regulate emotion and higher level brain integration, shifts. The frontal lobe areas mature later than the limbic system; indeed, MRI’s show that the dorsal lateral prefrontal cortex area, which regulates “executive function”, (all the decision making, problem solving and “understanding the consequences of one’s actions area”), doesn’t mature until the mid-twenties. As Giedd points out, this harried and late chief executive must struggle to manage both a highly activated emotional system and a body at it’s physical peak. He calls it the “healthy-body, risk-taking brain paradox”. I imagine that scene in every action movie when the terrified-but- heroic passenger is suddenly called upon to fly the plummeting 747.
Now imagine that you are the air traffic controller. This is parenting during adolescence. You are responsible for a giant jet that is just barely aloft, powered by an inexperienced and immature pilot. And he periodically screams at you because he’s frightened. You aren’t in the plane, you can’t see him, you don’t know what he’s doing, and neither does he.
Trying times for reflective parenting! But these are the moments when you really need the skill to see into your child’s mind. Even if only to discern not to take it personally. Most of the time, adolescent behavior is neither directed at, nor the result, of you. Most of the time, your teenager is just as mystified by her behavior as you are. And most of the time, it’s not her fault. In the immortal world of Allstate, she’s missing part of her brain.
Allstate prempted my conclusion. I was planning to end this entry with; “If you think your teenager has suddenly become a completely different person, she has”. So as usual, Annie has the last word. After Bode won his medal and the uproar over her comment died down, we discussed how differently teenagers think in, well, adolescence. Annie said, ” You know, I realize now that a lot of things I thought were real when I was a teenager were just because I was a teenager.” So I forgive her for not being able to read my mind. For now, it’s enough that she can read her own.
Happy birthday Dacey!