Reflective Parenting
Like adults, children base their actions on intentions that they may or may not be conscious of—our youngest children have thoughts and desires that they can’t communicate clearly. Reflective parenting helps you understand the different cues and messages your child is trying to teach you. For example, when a baby cries, one mother might think, “that sounds like a tired cry; he must be telling me that he needs me to rock him to sleep.” Another mother might react by thinking, “he’s crying again; all that baby does is cry. It’s driving me crazy!” The point is not that the first mother is a better parent. Rather, it’s that the first mother responds to the motivations underlying her child’s behavior- a far more constructive approach than simply reacting to the crying. It’s not always easy, especially when you are tired, under stress, or overwhelmed. It takes practice. But it works.
This is the idea at the root of reflective parenting, a theory of parenting developed at the Yale Child Study Center. Reflective parenting focuses on the thoughts, feelings, intentions, and desires that underlie behavior. When you engage with your child at this level, mind to mind, she learns that you believe her actions are a meaningful attempt (even if not entirely successful) to communicate with you. She learns that you are trying to understand her. Ultimately, she learns that you value her.